Parenting Toolbox: Ending Negotiation and Setting Firm Limits

We all want our children to grow up understanding that “no means no” and to be able to handle an undesired outcome. In preschool and in life, respecting boundaries and moving on from disappointment are important life skills.

Many progressive-minded parents (and preschool teachers) think they should answer a child’s every question. How will children develop a healthy relationship to authority, and determine the validity of rules, if they don’t understand the reasons behind them? Parents say no to something a child wants, and then, inevitably, answer a string of “why” questions and address a litany of “but” arguments, in hopes of convincing their child that the decision is valid and should be respected. Often, they end up giving in to the child’s wishes just to keep the peace.

Explaining, arguing, and defending your decision is tantamount to full-blown negotiation. Negotiating has become a staple of adult-child interaction, and most of the time, it’s detrimental to the development of healthy boundaries in children. They learn very quickly that they can outlast their parents in negotiation, and that tactic spills over into their preschool or daycare environment. Children negotiate because – are you ready to hear why? – it works. Yes, you have actually trained your child to negotiate every decision!

Now you can train them not to. 

Before the “why nots” and the “buts” begin, use these techniques to teach your child how to abide by firm limits, respect others’ boundaries, and accept an undesirable decision.

1.    Do the educating around rules and limits beforehand. Come up with a casual code of conduct with your child at home and outside with friends. Children love to talk about rules, and in many cases know what they should be! If your child goes to a daycare or preschool, ask them what rules they have to follow at school. Then discuss why. Keep it simple and listen to your child’s reasons. Restate what your child says and validate it, then if necessary (to clear up misunderstanding), add your own idea. 

Example script: Why do you think you have to wait your turn to talk in circle time? . . . Oh, it’s because you have to take turns, I get it. I guess that’s so everyone has a chance to share.

2.            If you decide to say no to your child, flip the script. First, restate your child’s request, then briefly state why you’re about to say no, and only then say no. Use “and” instead of “but.”

Example script: I hear that you want an ice cream, and it’s getting late, and we have to go home for dinner now. So we won’t have time to get ice cream this time. 

3.            After you’ve said no, instead of answering the inevitable “why” question or “but” argument: Simply, firmly, and gently validate the request and reassert the decision (not the reason) in simple terms. 

Example script: I know you want ice cream. We’re not getting it now. 

4.            If your child persists, use the same language each time to gently and firmly reassert your decision, whether they say “but why” or float another argument in support of their request. It should be a short sentence, with no new information. This will very quickly train your child that when you say no, there is no reward for further argument.

Example script: You heard me. / You heard my decision. / You heard me say no.

5.            Do not change your mind or negotiate further, or promise that you’ll do the desired thing at a later time. Simply and gently reassert using the script in #4 above.

6.            If your child is used to negotiating, it will take some time and willpower for you to make the shift, but it does work if you are willing to endure some discomfort in the meantime. 

However, rigidity is not a desirable trait we want to pass on to our children. When is it OK to give in? Changing your mind every once in a while (for good reason) is an integral part of helping your child develop a healthy relationship to boundaries. If new information arises (from your child or otherwise) that makes your decision worth revisiting, then show your child that there are circumstances under which it is appropriate to change your mind. Clearly state and model the reason for your child.

Example script: Oh, I said we weren’t buying that ball, but I remember now that yours was lost and we are meeting your friends to play soccer. You’re right, we do need a ball after all.

If your child is a master negotiator, these scripts will break the habit and help them develop an important aspect of their emotional maturity. Your child will also be able to better deal with the occasional disappointments of preschool life and beyond. This emotional strength also leads to the ability to set and stand firm with their own healthy boundaries. 

Explorer Studio is an excellent choice for families who want research-based early childhood education and development in a warm and nurturing setting. No other immersion preschool in NYC focuses so deeply on children’s social-emotional growth and emotional regulation while educating them in a science- and art-filled language immersion environment.

Explorer Studio language immersion preschool employs an anti-bias approach to education as well as to admissions, and endeavors to maintain an equitable and inclusive community. Please contact Explorer Studio for more details about admissions and how to join our community.